That Time I Was in Huffpo For a Second
It is difficult not being the stereotype. Or the one that just follows along with what society expects you to be. You just can’t do it, or they’ll burn you. I’m a tall, white, overweight guy. I’m not supposed to be able to be coordinated or dance. Certainly, I should not be able to twerk.
According to the article in question (which has at the advice of various lawyers, been pulled down) a white guy doing something black ladies made popular is cultural appropriation.
I am writing this well after the controversy, and well after twerking fell out of the mainstream. This blog is sort of in response to an article that was forwarded to me by a friend. I never read the site, since I lean to a more conservative bent. I was never interviewed, nor even contacted for the article, so that kind of goes along with how the left works.
For those of you who don’t know, twerking is essentially the vigorous and rhythmic shaking of one’s booty. It is artistic butt shaking. I saw a joke about it on Twitter (which at this point is actually less popular than twerking) and watched a couple videos. Then I tried to do it myself.
At first, it kind of hurt a little bit to do, but it was also kind of fun. Of course, I looked absolutely ridiculous. To some, I looked absolutely ridiculous during my entire career of twerking. I didn’t care, though. I had the rhythm, and the attitude required to do it.
At my “prime”, or the very top of my twerking game, I was practicing at least four hours a day. On days off of work, it was closer to 16. This is while I was married, and work days were 12 hours, so my schedule was impossible. A lot of my practice time was while I was on break at work. I work in a factory, so you can only imagine the taunting and jokes that were flying around the shop floor. In the end (pun intended), I earned their respect.
While I was at the mall one afternoon, a flyer caught my eye. It was a local twerking competition that would be the initial round in the region for the World Twerking Championship. The winner of the competition would then be allowed to compete at the state tournament in Indianapolis. According to the website, the winner of the state tournament would go on to Los Angeles for the US/ World finals. I decided to enter.
One cold and blustery morning, I drove up to the baseball field in South Bend to see if my twerking skills were all that I thought they were. There were easily a thousand other people there, of which I was not the only guy, but definitely the only white guy. We were all counted out into groups of 50. Each group would then go out onto the field, a song would start, and everyone would start twerking. A group of judges walked through the group and would tap the shoulder of whoever was getting eliminated.
My group was the fourth one out onto the field. The first song started, and I did my thing, shaking my butt in various creative ways. All around me were other hopefuls, all of us believing ourselves to be the best. At the end of the first song, probably half of the group had already been eliminated, but I was still there. The second song started, and now it was much easier to see who was judging, and who was being judged. Half way through the song, I could see two of the judges standing next to each other, watching me. I didn’t let it phase me, and after a few moments they moved on. By the end of the song, I was still in the competition as one of the top five in my group.
Believe me when I say that there were a lot of people absolutely shocked at this.
Round two was three hours later. There were only two groups of fifty remaining. It was the top fives of all the first round groups of fifty. This time, there would be three songs, and at the end there could only be three people per group. Those six people would move on to the state competition, but the overall winner would be the team captain and have more responsibility. At the end of the first song, several people had been eliminated, but I was still out there twerking. The second song started and during the chorus, I got a tap on my shoulder. It was like I was awakened from a trance, and I walked off the field dejected. Towards the end of the song, an argument erupted between several of the judges and a few of the other twerkers. They didn’t start the third song, but at the end of the argument, one of the judges walked over to me and told me to get back in and continue. They had reversed the decision of the judge, and I had one more song to prove myself. If I made even the slightest error, I would be out.
The third song started and I twerked my heart out, doing the most physical, artistic, and emotional twerking performance ever done to a Puff Daddy song. The song started with ten people, but by the end, I was one of the final three. I was a finalist, and would represent north western Indiana at the state competition in Indianapolis. Once the other group finished their eliminations, we would have a twerk off. One person would do a short performance, and the other person would have to match that, then add more. The first person would then have to start from the beginning, match what was added, and add more. This would go on until someone made an error, and the other person would win. The final three would then do a three way version of this until two of the three were eliminated.
To speed up the story a bit, I won. There were 999 other people, but I was the winner of the north west Indiana twerking competition. Eight weeks later, the six of us piled into the GMC I had at the time, and went to Indianapolis for the state tournament.
The state competition was a much different affair. There were only thirty competitors at this event, and the rules were much different. The first round would essentially be self elimination because it was based around endurance. The last five (literally) standing would make it to the nationals, and the second round would determine the team leader. As before, the team leader would also get $1,000.
The first round was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. We would go an hour, then be given a five minute break, then back to twerking. In all, the first round lasted about seven hours and ended with two fitness instructors, a marathon runner, a professional dancer, and me.
The second round was identical to the second round of the last competition, and to speed things up, had the same results. I was the overall winner going to the nationals in Los Angeles.
This was the big time. I made it to the nationals as the leader for Team Indiana, or as we were known, Vanilla Swirl. There were,once again, a few other guys, and a very, very pale red headed lady. She and I were the only pale people there, including the crowd. The whole thing was being filmed by BET. I have never seen the show, since I was in it, and I don’t have that channel. It would be cool to see, though.
When I won the state finals, I got a call from a representative of Larry the Cable Guy. She offered to fly my team to the nationals on Mr. The Cable Guy’s private plane. I accepted, but the other four on my team declined the offer. They were uncomfortable flying on a plane with a confederate flag, I guess.
This was a two day affair. Day one started promptly at 6am, and would be an elimination similar to the state competition. We would twerk for an hour, get a five minute break, then continue twerking. You either eliminated yourself by getting too tired, or a judge would tap you on the shoulder because your twerking got too weak. It was not a matter of form, because everyone had already gotten this far, it was 100% stamina. 250 would start, with the final ten making the finals the next day.
I have never shaken my booty harder or longer in my entire life. This was the cream of the crop for the entire world! Well, the world inside the United States. Mostly black people, but it was the world finals! I shook, I danced, I got jiggy with it, and whatever other similes you want to come up with. By around 5pm, it was down to the final ten, and I was in.
I spent the rest of the evening in the hot tub of the hotel they put us up in. If you want to get a lot of strange looks from people, sit in a hot tub with nine athletic black women in their 20's and 30's.
The next day, we were split into two groups of five. Round one would be a twerk off where one would start and the next would have to follow with the same routine, then add to it. Miss a step and you were eliminated. To once again speed up this blog a bit, I won. Arsenio Hall, the MC of the whole thing, seemed rather shocked when he came up and shook my hand and told me I was in the final two. The other final finalist was a nice black lady from Atlanta who was a fitness instructor/ dance instructor. I can’t imagine anyone was particularly happy with me making it this far, but no one said anything negative to me about it. I think BET was hoping to show a lot of footage of fit ladies shaking their booty, but they ended up with me in the finals. It wasn’t as if they could deny my skills.
The final round was similar to the last round, except it was just the two of us. Cameras were rolling and I started the dance. People in the crowd were yelling, trying to break my concentration as I went, only to be quiet when Shaniqua did her thing. She used a lot of her yoga and ballet training, and even ended one of her sequences with the splits trying to get me eliminated, but nothing would stop me. Finally, after about five hours, Shaniqua slipped up and the judges had no choice but to award me the world twerking championship.
There was a fair amount of booing from the crowd when I was officially announced the winner, but Shaniqua herself raised my hand. I got a dozen roses and a tiara, which felt kind of weird at the time, but obviously they were not really planning on a white guy winning. I gave the flowers to Shaniqua, but the tiara is in a memory box in a spare bedroom. There was a press conference afterwards, but I was not asked very many questions. They all seemed much more interested in Shaniqua, which was fine with me. I understood. I actually gave my winnings to a local women’s shelter. Shaniqua was getting swarmed by hollywood managers and representatives wishing for her to endorse their products.
Shaniqua and I stay in contact to this day. She has a million selling line of fitness videos, and has done work in movies and television. Whenever she tells me about some big thing she is doing, she finishes with, “but you’re the better twerker.” I did some motivational speaking for a while, and visited some schools, teaching kindergarteners some basic booty shaking. After I slipped on some ice and hurt one of my hips, I was essentially out of the twerking game.
As far as I know, that was the only twerking world championships that was ever held, because the whole fad came and went pretty quickly. I look back on that time fondly, of course. I have a friend for life with connections to hollywood, and a tiara that signifies that I am the twerking world champion of all time.
Monday, November 7, 2016
Friday, September 9, 2016
After One Week
After One Week
I’m beginning to write this after only one week of having my new car. The first opportunity I had to take my Audi somewhere other than work or a grocery store was on Labor Day. I worked the weekend with what may be the worst schedule I have ever had... 7am to 7pm during absolutely perfect weather.
Fortunately, Labor Day was pretty good, too. I decided that since it was one of the few opportunities I’d have to do so, I would drive up to Elkhart to eat at Das Dutchman Essenhaus and then drive up to the Audi dealership and see if someone there could help me understand some of the more complicated aspects of the on-screen controls. Essenhaus was not busy at all, which was surprising to me. On the drive there, I tested out the radio. Now my new thing is to play hard rock and metal really loudly while driving. Maybe I need to call in to the station and request Faith No More “Midlife Crisis.”
I continued on to Mishawaka, which was nearly traffic free all the way to the Audi dealership. They were a bit short staffed that day, and I got to speak directly to the manager... who recognized me. It is a little bit unusual for someone to recognize me. In the past, when I went to multiple wrestling shows every weekend, it was far more frequent. Back then, even the wrestlers would say “hi” to me. This instance was remarkable in that the manager was the guy who had sold me an Outback eight years ago (and then another one three months later when I totaled the first one.) We discussed his remarkable rise in the past eight years while I silently pondered my own lack of career advancement. He couldn’t help me, though, because he had only recently been bumped up to Audi and didn’t have as firm a grasp on the older cars.
I left, with my lack of functioning air conditioning becoming more of an issue, making a side trip to a park before driving on to my destination. It was a good day.
The next day at work, I saw one of my friends who has a newer Audi, and is also an enthusiast. We discussed our cars for a while, and he mentioned that he had an extra connection wire for the auxiliary audio system. One I could use for my old iPod. After work, we looked, and apparently I don’t have anything that would work with that. However, I explained that I couldn’t get the keyless start to work. I figured out that if I had my key in my pocket, I could simply touch the handle and it would unlock the car. Remarkably handy and really cool. This is also the time when I noticed that there is no actual spot for a key to go for unlocking the car. I assume that if the battery in either the car or the remote goes, then I am stranded with a massive three ton brick. I still haven’t found the car battery.
Anyways, back to the keyless start thing. My friend casually points out that the instructions on the screen say to press on the brake when starting the car. With the key, it was never an issue, so I didn’t do that when pressing the start button. Well, pressing down on the brake pedal and pressing the button worked perfectly. There is another button for shutting down the engine. Pressing it once shuts off the engine but leaves all the accessories on, which is less than ideal. Pressing it twice shuts down all the accessories, but brings up a screen asking if I want to press it a third time to engage the steering wheel lock. I just use my key.
On Wednesday I returned to the Audi dealership, which had more salespeople, and asked if someone could help me figure out my car. I was surprised at how enthusiastic the sales people were to help, despite the fact that it was virtually impossible for them to close a sale with me. One of them came out to my car and sat in the 95 degree heat, helping me connect the bluetooth, and to find the location of the trip computer. I had hoped that there would have been something more to the main computer, like an oil level checker or something like that, but apparently not. If you weren’t just skimming this, you would have noticed earlier that I mentioned not having any working air conditioning. The sales lady gave me her card, so if anyone reading this is shopping for a new Audi, VW, Mercedes, or Sprinter van, let me know and I’ll give you her card.
Now my phone is connected to my car. After leaving the dealership, I was starving, so I went to dinner, but after dinner I tested out my new car-sized phone. It’s a fully functioning car, but I can also use it to make phone calls! The first rather unfortunate part is that it does not auto-import all of your contacts. The second rather unfortunate part is that I have all of the previous owners contacts, who are all really middle eastern sounding names, and stuff to do with medical things. So, using the main controller knob, I dialed my dad’s phone number and made a call. It connected and worked for a little while, but I think that maybe my signal was bad. I also called my mom, and had the same problem. I will have to investigate this a bit more, but for the most part it was a success. I make or receive maybe 3-5 calls a month, and drive less than 20 minutes a day, so the chance that I will be in my car when I need to make or receive a call is unbelievably remote.
I did accidentally find another feature of the car. As I was driving home with the windows down, a couple of big bugs hit the windshield making a big mess. When I used the wipers to clean the windshield, none of the cleaning fluid blew into the car. While this is cool, of course it would (literally) be cooler if the AC was working, but it is a nice feature nonetheless and shows to me that they were really serious when they designed this car.
Each of the trips I took to Mishawaka used roughly 1/4 tank of premium fuel. I know for a fact that I will be breaking records for amounts paid at the pump pretty soon. Doing some basic math, it appears as though I am getting similar mileage to my truck right now, but I am also doing a lot more fast starts and things like that, so the 6-speed transmission may end up being a help.
Next time... Will I manage to find the battery?
I’m beginning to write this after only one week of having my new car. The first opportunity I had to take my Audi somewhere other than work or a grocery store was on Labor Day. I worked the weekend with what may be the worst schedule I have ever had... 7am to 7pm during absolutely perfect weather.
Fortunately, Labor Day was pretty good, too. I decided that since it was one of the few opportunities I’d have to do so, I would drive up to Elkhart to eat at Das Dutchman Essenhaus and then drive up to the Audi dealership and see if someone there could help me understand some of the more complicated aspects of the on-screen controls. Essenhaus was not busy at all, which was surprising to me. On the drive there, I tested out the radio. Now my new thing is to play hard rock and metal really loudly while driving. Maybe I need to call in to the station and request Faith No More “Midlife Crisis.”
I continued on to Mishawaka, which was nearly traffic free all the way to the Audi dealership. They were a bit short staffed that day, and I got to speak directly to the manager... who recognized me. It is a little bit unusual for someone to recognize me. In the past, when I went to multiple wrestling shows every weekend, it was far more frequent. Back then, even the wrestlers would say “hi” to me. This instance was remarkable in that the manager was the guy who had sold me an Outback eight years ago (and then another one three months later when I totaled the first one.) We discussed his remarkable rise in the past eight years while I silently pondered my own lack of career advancement. He couldn’t help me, though, because he had only recently been bumped up to Audi and didn’t have as firm a grasp on the older cars.
I left, with my lack of functioning air conditioning becoming more of an issue, making a side trip to a park before driving on to my destination. It was a good day.
The next day at work, I saw one of my friends who has a newer Audi, and is also an enthusiast. We discussed our cars for a while, and he mentioned that he had an extra connection wire for the auxiliary audio system. One I could use for my old iPod. After work, we looked, and apparently I don’t have anything that would work with that. However, I explained that I couldn’t get the keyless start to work. I figured out that if I had my key in my pocket, I could simply touch the handle and it would unlock the car. Remarkably handy and really cool. This is also the time when I noticed that there is no actual spot for a key to go for unlocking the car. I assume that if the battery in either the car or the remote goes, then I am stranded with a massive three ton brick. I still haven’t found the car battery.
Anyways, back to the keyless start thing. My friend casually points out that the instructions on the screen say to press on the brake when starting the car. With the key, it was never an issue, so I didn’t do that when pressing the start button. Well, pressing down on the brake pedal and pressing the button worked perfectly. There is another button for shutting down the engine. Pressing it once shuts off the engine but leaves all the accessories on, which is less than ideal. Pressing it twice shuts down all the accessories, but brings up a screen asking if I want to press it a third time to engage the steering wheel lock. I just use my key.
On Wednesday I returned to the Audi dealership, which had more salespeople, and asked if someone could help me figure out my car. I was surprised at how enthusiastic the sales people were to help, despite the fact that it was virtually impossible for them to close a sale with me. One of them came out to my car and sat in the 95 degree heat, helping me connect the bluetooth, and to find the location of the trip computer. I had hoped that there would have been something more to the main computer, like an oil level checker or something like that, but apparently not. If you weren’t just skimming this, you would have noticed earlier that I mentioned not having any working air conditioning. The sales lady gave me her card, so if anyone reading this is shopping for a new Audi, VW, Mercedes, or Sprinter van, let me know and I’ll give you her card.
Now my phone is connected to my car. After leaving the dealership, I was starving, so I went to dinner, but after dinner I tested out my new car-sized phone. It’s a fully functioning car, but I can also use it to make phone calls! The first rather unfortunate part is that it does not auto-import all of your contacts. The second rather unfortunate part is that I have all of the previous owners contacts, who are all really middle eastern sounding names, and stuff to do with medical things. So, using the main controller knob, I dialed my dad’s phone number and made a call. It connected and worked for a little while, but I think that maybe my signal was bad. I also called my mom, and had the same problem. I will have to investigate this a bit more, but for the most part it was a success. I make or receive maybe 3-5 calls a month, and drive less than 20 minutes a day, so the chance that I will be in my car when I need to make or receive a call is unbelievably remote.
I did accidentally find another feature of the car. As I was driving home with the windows down, a couple of big bugs hit the windshield making a big mess. When I used the wipers to clean the windshield, none of the cleaning fluid blew into the car. While this is cool, of course it would (literally) be cooler if the AC was working, but it is a nice feature nonetheless and shows to me that they were really serious when they designed this car.
Each of the trips I took to Mishawaka used roughly 1/4 tank of premium fuel. I know for a fact that I will be breaking records for amounts paid at the pump pretty soon. Doing some basic math, it appears as though I am getting similar mileage to my truck right now, but I am also doing a lot more fast starts and things like that, so the 6-speed transmission may end up being a help.
Next time... Will I manage to find the battery?
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
The Start
The Start
With my purchase of a 2007 Audi A8, I have finally stepped up to a proper luxury car. At least, in my own mind I have. I did own a BMW 7-series once. It doesn’t really count though, because by the time I owned it, it was almost old enough to get its own license to drive. I had a GMC Yukon Denali XL, but it had a six digit odometer reading that started with a “2.” I still have my (wildly high mileage) Lexus, but the LX series is essentially an off-roader which has been tarted up to look nicer. It’s a very bouncy vehicle which is happiest on dirt or super bumpy terrain at low speeds.
My Audi, however, has only five digits on the odometer. Of course, that first one is a “9" but we’ll just kind of ignore that. It is a proper luxury vehicle that is comfortable to drive, has a powerful engine, and handles very well.
It’s still very new to me, and it is such a step up in luxury that I am having a difficult time handling it all. At first I wasn’t too hot on the color of the car, but it is quickly growing on me. I think it looks really good now. But, every time I open the garage door and see it in there, I feel like I’m in the “Transporter” film franchise. I’m just waiting for the most inept gang to come up on me and try to steal it. Of course, they will have the courtesy to let me take off my suit jacket, and then send each member at me individually so that I can beat them up while they look on at my amazing fighting ability.
There are some things that ruin this. First of all, I still have the paper dealer tags, not a European number plate. Second, it’s a detached garage in a housing development, not an underground parking structure in some glamourous European city. Third, I don’t know that there are actually any gangs of street toughs that roam said housing developments. Regardless, I will admit that more than once I have felt compelled to drive to the airport to pick someone important up. I also never feel as though I am dressed up enough to be driving it.
The following comment will undoubtably offend some people, and for that, I am very sorry. Here goes... I have never met anyone who is both really successful and drives a Chrysler product. I have close friends/family who drive these vehicles, and I wish they would reexamine certain Chrysler-related life choices. There are vehicles out there that aren’t built by pot smoking drunks who spend their work days getting drunk and high. There have been multiple instances of Chrysler employees getting busted for these things in the news. I have seen many people who buy these vehicles at what have to be absolutely staggering monthly payments... for a car which will go out of style but have the singular advantage of having a wide base of replacement parts for when things go wrong. I know that I am talking a tremendous amount of crap while owning an Audi, but facts are facts. The cars do not give one the feeling of doing things really, really right.
On the other hand, when I drive my A8, I feel as though I need to step up my game and be more successful because the surroundings I am in while driving demand a certain level of responsibility and dignity. The A8 shares its platform with much of the Bentley brand of cars, so VW were quite serious about getting things right. For full disclosure, the nicest VW also uses the same chassis. The point is, that the car is built to a standard that brings you up, not down.
On the subject of dignity, or should I say, “dignity” I have come up with a list of places and activities that I now feel awkward attempting to do with this car, because I would feel so out of place doing it.
1.) Picking up a pizza.
2.) Going to Taco Bell.
3.) Going to Dollar General.
4.) Getting groceries at Aldis.
5.) Parking anywhere near a Penguin Point.
6.) Going anywhere near anything that has to do with farming or Western apparel.
Honestly, I can’t imagine the “snooty factor” one would be at owning one of these things new. I can tell you that the depreciation on these cars is straight down to the point that I can afford owning this car while it is still fully functioning. At whatever point in it’s decline that you purchase it, it will depreciate faster than any new car at a similar price. From an accounting standpoint, with my new low mileage life, the yearly depreciation per mile for me is going to be diabolical.
To loosen up a bit, though, I did drive it in reverse all the way to work one morning using the rear view camera. It’s the only way I can drive it without breaking the speed limit on that stretch of road.
This is the first of what I hope will be at least a few blogs talking about my life adjusting to a luxury car. Hopefully you found this interesting and funny.
With my purchase of a 2007 Audi A8, I have finally stepped up to a proper luxury car. At least, in my own mind I have. I did own a BMW 7-series once. It doesn’t really count though, because by the time I owned it, it was almost old enough to get its own license to drive. I had a GMC Yukon Denali XL, but it had a six digit odometer reading that started with a “2.” I still have my (wildly high mileage) Lexus, but the LX series is essentially an off-roader which has been tarted up to look nicer. It’s a very bouncy vehicle which is happiest on dirt or super bumpy terrain at low speeds.
My Audi, however, has only five digits on the odometer. Of course, that first one is a “9" but we’ll just kind of ignore that. It is a proper luxury vehicle that is comfortable to drive, has a powerful engine, and handles very well.
It’s still very new to me, and it is such a step up in luxury that I am having a difficult time handling it all. At first I wasn’t too hot on the color of the car, but it is quickly growing on me. I think it looks really good now. But, every time I open the garage door and see it in there, I feel like I’m in the “Transporter” film franchise. I’m just waiting for the most inept gang to come up on me and try to steal it. Of course, they will have the courtesy to let me take off my suit jacket, and then send each member at me individually so that I can beat them up while they look on at my amazing fighting ability.
There are some things that ruin this. First of all, I still have the paper dealer tags, not a European number plate. Second, it’s a detached garage in a housing development, not an underground parking structure in some glamourous European city. Third, I don’t know that there are actually any gangs of street toughs that roam said housing developments. Regardless, I will admit that more than once I have felt compelled to drive to the airport to pick someone important up. I also never feel as though I am dressed up enough to be driving it.
The following comment will undoubtably offend some people, and for that, I am very sorry. Here goes... I have never met anyone who is both really successful and drives a Chrysler product. I have close friends/family who drive these vehicles, and I wish they would reexamine certain Chrysler-related life choices. There are vehicles out there that aren’t built by pot smoking drunks who spend their work days getting drunk and high. There have been multiple instances of Chrysler employees getting busted for these things in the news. I have seen many people who buy these vehicles at what have to be absolutely staggering monthly payments... for a car which will go out of style but have the singular advantage of having a wide base of replacement parts for when things go wrong. I know that I am talking a tremendous amount of crap while owning an Audi, but facts are facts. The cars do not give one the feeling of doing things really, really right.
On the other hand, when I drive my A8, I feel as though I need to step up my game and be more successful because the surroundings I am in while driving demand a certain level of responsibility and dignity. The A8 shares its platform with much of the Bentley brand of cars, so VW were quite serious about getting things right. For full disclosure, the nicest VW also uses the same chassis. The point is, that the car is built to a standard that brings you up, not down.
On the subject of dignity, or should I say, “dignity” I have come up with a list of places and activities that I now feel awkward attempting to do with this car, because I would feel so out of place doing it.
1.) Picking up a pizza.
2.) Going to Taco Bell.
3.) Going to Dollar General.
4.) Getting groceries at Aldis.
5.) Parking anywhere near a Penguin Point.
6.) Going anywhere near anything that has to do with farming or Western apparel.
Honestly, I can’t imagine the “snooty factor” one would be at owning one of these things new. I can tell you that the depreciation on these cars is straight down to the point that I can afford owning this car while it is still fully functioning. At whatever point in it’s decline that you purchase it, it will depreciate faster than any new car at a similar price. From an accounting standpoint, with my new low mileage life, the yearly depreciation per mile for me is going to be diabolical.
To loosen up a bit, though, I did drive it in reverse all the way to work one morning using the rear view camera. It’s the only way I can drive it without breaking the speed limit on that stretch of road.
This is the first of what I hope will be at least a few blogs talking about my life adjusting to a luxury car. Hopefully you found this interesting and funny.
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
When Car Sellers Attack!
When Car Sellers Attack!
This all started for a couple of reasons. First, I wanted a car that my ex-wife and her kid had not been in. Second, I drove a sedan for the first time in four years, and it handled really nicely compared to my truck. That particular car, a Honda Accord, was horrendously uncomfortable to sit in, but otherwise impressive. Third, I sat in an Audi A8.
For all of that, the beginning of the story is set in Mishawaka, Indiana. My truck had developed a bad leak, and I wanted to get it fixed. The Toyota dealer in Warsaw quoted me $950 to fix one of the seals (the worse of the two leaks they found) which is quite a lot. My friend Brian suggested that I call around for quotes, which I did. I called the dealership where I bought it, Asian Concepts. They quoted me $700 over the phone, and the deal was done.
I drove my truck up to Mishawaka to drop it off. While talking to one of the service people, he mentioned that he used to work on the German Concepts side of the business, and that the bills tended to me much lower on the Asian Concepts side.
Before I left, I decided to see what was available on the German side. As I was walking around the lot, one of the salesmen saw me and came out to say hi. German Concepts is a dealer I have a long association with. I’ve bought at least three cars from them, and have referred others to the business. I have known the salesman Mark for close to 20 years. In the South Bend area, if you’re interested in used German vehicles, it is the first place you go. While we were talking, I asked if he could get the key for an Audi A8 that was nearby because I wanted to sit inside it.
I have been fascinated by Audi A8's since they first became available. They were at the cutting edge of lightweight aluminum technology when they debuted in the late 1990's and are the largest sedan Audi offers. A8's are luxury cars that are cool.
Mark unlocked the door, and I sat in the Audi. It was a very nice, and very comfortable place to sit. I had plenty of leg room and all the controls were perfectly situated. I was very impressed in the 10 seconds or so that I sat there.
My mind wandered back to that car as I drove home that day, and for the next two weeks. My truck was in the shop for a week, and when I picked it up, I could not take a second look at the Audi, because somehow they drained the battery on my truck. I had to drive it for at least half an hour after they jump started it to recharge the battery. I only had about a quarter tank of gas, and was unenthused about seeing how far down it would go while I drove, and whether I would be anywhere near a gas station when everything sorted itself with the truck. Impressively, the truck made it all the way back to Warsaw despite the last quarter tank typically burning the fastest. By the way, the total bill ended up being $3814 because the inside the transfer case, where it was leaking, was destroyed on the inside more than just the seal. It had to be replaced. Jump starting the truck also knocked out the use of all but the drivers side front window. I’ll spend $4k to put air conditioning in my house that runs constantly, but not turn on the air in my truck.
Being a bit angry with my premium Asian vehicle, my interest in that Audi was raised significantly. I exchanged a few e-mails with the salesman I knew, and on a Wednesday decided to drive up to Osceola and take a test drive.
For a little bit more back story, at this point in August I had worked every single weekend since the beginning of May when I took a weekend off to move house. That includes holiday weekends. The only two days off I had were Memorial Day and the 4th of July. My work day 90%+ of the time is a 12 hour day starting at 3am. The drive to German Concepts is around an hour because of ridiculous traffic and idiots who don’t know that they should move when the light turns green.
I drove up to the dealership, and my salesman wasn’t there. No big deal, there was another guy there and I asked if I could test drive the Audi. He said no, because there was a bad smell to the car and he was going to give it to the service department to fix. He points out the Volkswagen CC next to the Audi, which is certainly a nice car, but has a 2.0L turbo, not the more robust 4.2L V8 the Audi has. We walk around the lot a bit, and he asks me what else I might be interested in. I mention the BMW 7-series, another large, premium German car. They don’t have any in stock. Eventually, he points out the section of the lot with cars they have received but not taken through service and cleaning to put on the proper lot. While we are walking, he focuses on the Mini Cooper they have and mentions it to me.
A Mini! I had come in asking about the biggest car they had on the lot, and he points out the Mini. I am taken aback a little bit, and the first thing that comes to my mind is how ridiculous I would look getting out of that car. Eventually I just leave.
The next day I tell my friends at work about my crazy experience trying to test drive a car. One of my friends jokes that I would need to put my hand on the ground to steady myself when exiting the car. I told the story to my friend Sherry, who is familiar with the dealership. She told me that she had also been to that dealership on the same day, only earlier in the afternoon. She described the salesman perfectly (he had a very yellow shirt on) and told me that she had asked about the same car. The salesman had told her that the car was sold!
Now I have two stories about the same car, from the same guy. It’s not even 7am the day after I attempted to test drive the car. At around lunch time, I get an e-mail from my salesman. He had been in New Jersey on Wednesday at an auction. He asked if I had gotten an opportunity to test drive the Audi.
At this point, I just had to throw my arms up in the air and be done with it. Actually, I wish that I had. There was something deep inside of me that was pulling me, though. I was up to three stories about the same car now. One, that it was unavailable because of a bad smell. Two, that it was unavailable because it had been sold. And three, that it was still available and perfectly fine, waiting on me to test drive it. I could decline and walk away, or I could drive ANOTHER hour plus back to the dealership to confront them on all of this craziness. I chose the second option.
At 3pm I texted Mark, my salesman, and told him I would be there in about an hour and set off, once again, for Osceola, Indiana. When I got there, they were both busy with closing a deal on a car, so I went outside to look at the cars. While I was outside, I got an email from Mark, sent 20 minutes earlier, saying that the car had gotten a deposit put on it earlier that day, and that he hoped I hadn’t left for the dealership yet. Now I was up to four stories on the same car.
Eventually Mark came outside and we spoke. I went through all of the stories I had been given on the car. Mark did his best to wrap them all together, and even added a fifth, that the car had a mis-fire and needed to go into service for that, too. It was all too ridiculous for me. We spoke about their program where they search auctions for a car with your specifications, and then I left. As I was leaving, I saw the other salesman showing the Audi to someone else! They had the hood open and everything.
On Saturday, I had my first day off since July 4th, and my first full weekend off since May. I visited my stepmother, who is looking better but still in a bad way, then on the spur of the moment (since it was raining) decided to drive to Ft. Wayne to shop Audi A8's. On the way there, I made a stop for lunch and did a web search on my phone for Audis in Ft. Wayne. After a lot of scrolling, I found an A8. It was blue and had just under 100k miles.
I found the dealership and took the car for a test drive. It was unbelievable. The difference in dealerships that is. I called ahead to get directions, and when I arrived there, a salesman came out and asked if I was the one who called. The Audi was parked in an obvious spot and was already unlocked. After all the official stuff, we got in the car and took it for a test drive. It was that easy. I arrived, and within 10 minutes I was driving the car. There are a few issues with it that will need addressed. New A8's start at around $90k and go straight up from there. This one has had a couple of owners, and has depreciated to a much more affordable level. With all of that, though, I was incredibly impressed with the car. It is comfortable, handles well, and the engine is strong. After some negotiation, I agreed to purchase the car.
The deal was supposed to be wrapped up on Monday, but with the complications of me being in Warsaw working, and them being in Ft. Wayne it was not to be. My mom helped me quite a bit, coordinating for the car to be checked by a third party. I had a dentist appointment that day, too, which screwed things up. Everything got wrapped up, though, from the negotiation to the loan, by a little after 5pm. All that was left was to pick up the car the next day and give them the check. I called in to work to see if I could take Tuesday off. Due to their absolutely ridiculous HR time off rules, I was told that I would essentially be punished if I took time off with such short notice. Remarkably, that includes sick time, so I actually need to schedule colds at least a full day (24 hours) in advance. It would have been nice to drive up to Ft. Wayne in the morning and get the deal wrapped up around lunch time, but that was not to be. I went to bed.
The next morning, I had a text from the salesman at German Concepts. The buyers who put down the deposit had fallen through, and their car was available again! I politely declined.
This all started for a couple of reasons. First, I wanted a car that my ex-wife and her kid had not been in. Second, I drove a sedan for the first time in four years, and it handled really nicely compared to my truck. That particular car, a Honda Accord, was horrendously uncomfortable to sit in, but otherwise impressive. Third, I sat in an Audi A8.
For all of that, the beginning of the story is set in Mishawaka, Indiana. My truck had developed a bad leak, and I wanted to get it fixed. The Toyota dealer in Warsaw quoted me $950 to fix one of the seals (the worse of the two leaks they found) which is quite a lot. My friend Brian suggested that I call around for quotes, which I did. I called the dealership where I bought it, Asian Concepts. They quoted me $700 over the phone, and the deal was done.
I drove my truck up to Mishawaka to drop it off. While talking to one of the service people, he mentioned that he used to work on the German Concepts side of the business, and that the bills tended to me much lower on the Asian Concepts side.
Before I left, I decided to see what was available on the German side. As I was walking around the lot, one of the salesmen saw me and came out to say hi. German Concepts is a dealer I have a long association with. I’ve bought at least three cars from them, and have referred others to the business. I have known the salesman Mark for close to 20 years. In the South Bend area, if you’re interested in used German vehicles, it is the first place you go. While we were talking, I asked if he could get the key for an Audi A8 that was nearby because I wanted to sit inside it.
I have been fascinated by Audi A8's since they first became available. They were at the cutting edge of lightweight aluminum technology when they debuted in the late 1990's and are the largest sedan Audi offers. A8's are luxury cars that are cool.
Mark unlocked the door, and I sat in the Audi. It was a very nice, and very comfortable place to sit. I had plenty of leg room and all the controls were perfectly situated. I was very impressed in the 10 seconds or so that I sat there.
My mind wandered back to that car as I drove home that day, and for the next two weeks. My truck was in the shop for a week, and when I picked it up, I could not take a second look at the Audi, because somehow they drained the battery on my truck. I had to drive it for at least half an hour after they jump started it to recharge the battery. I only had about a quarter tank of gas, and was unenthused about seeing how far down it would go while I drove, and whether I would be anywhere near a gas station when everything sorted itself with the truck. Impressively, the truck made it all the way back to Warsaw despite the last quarter tank typically burning the fastest. By the way, the total bill ended up being $3814 because the inside the transfer case, where it was leaking, was destroyed on the inside more than just the seal. It had to be replaced. Jump starting the truck also knocked out the use of all but the drivers side front window. I’ll spend $4k to put air conditioning in my house that runs constantly, but not turn on the air in my truck.
Being a bit angry with my premium Asian vehicle, my interest in that Audi was raised significantly. I exchanged a few e-mails with the salesman I knew, and on a Wednesday decided to drive up to Osceola and take a test drive.
For a little bit more back story, at this point in August I had worked every single weekend since the beginning of May when I took a weekend off to move house. That includes holiday weekends. The only two days off I had were Memorial Day and the 4th of July. My work day 90%+ of the time is a 12 hour day starting at 3am. The drive to German Concepts is around an hour because of ridiculous traffic and idiots who don’t know that they should move when the light turns green.
I drove up to the dealership, and my salesman wasn’t there. No big deal, there was another guy there and I asked if I could test drive the Audi. He said no, because there was a bad smell to the car and he was going to give it to the service department to fix. He points out the Volkswagen CC next to the Audi, which is certainly a nice car, but has a 2.0L turbo, not the more robust 4.2L V8 the Audi has. We walk around the lot a bit, and he asks me what else I might be interested in. I mention the BMW 7-series, another large, premium German car. They don’t have any in stock. Eventually, he points out the section of the lot with cars they have received but not taken through service and cleaning to put on the proper lot. While we are walking, he focuses on the Mini Cooper they have and mentions it to me.
A Mini! I had come in asking about the biggest car they had on the lot, and he points out the Mini. I am taken aback a little bit, and the first thing that comes to my mind is how ridiculous I would look getting out of that car. Eventually I just leave.
The next day I tell my friends at work about my crazy experience trying to test drive a car. One of my friends jokes that I would need to put my hand on the ground to steady myself when exiting the car. I told the story to my friend Sherry, who is familiar with the dealership. She told me that she had also been to that dealership on the same day, only earlier in the afternoon. She described the salesman perfectly (he had a very yellow shirt on) and told me that she had asked about the same car. The salesman had told her that the car was sold!
Now I have two stories about the same car, from the same guy. It’s not even 7am the day after I attempted to test drive the car. At around lunch time, I get an e-mail from my salesman. He had been in New Jersey on Wednesday at an auction. He asked if I had gotten an opportunity to test drive the Audi.
At this point, I just had to throw my arms up in the air and be done with it. Actually, I wish that I had. There was something deep inside of me that was pulling me, though. I was up to three stories about the same car now. One, that it was unavailable because of a bad smell. Two, that it was unavailable because it had been sold. And three, that it was still available and perfectly fine, waiting on me to test drive it. I could decline and walk away, or I could drive ANOTHER hour plus back to the dealership to confront them on all of this craziness. I chose the second option.
At 3pm I texted Mark, my salesman, and told him I would be there in about an hour and set off, once again, for Osceola, Indiana. When I got there, they were both busy with closing a deal on a car, so I went outside to look at the cars. While I was outside, I got an email from Mark, sent 20 minutes earlier, saying that the car had gotten a deposit put on it earlier that day, and that he hoped I hadn’t left for the dealership yet. Now I was up to four stories on the same car.
Eventually Mark came outside and we spoke. I went through all of the stories I had been given on the car. Mark did his best to wrap them all together, and even added a fifth, that the car had a mis-fire and needed to go into service for that, too. It was all too ridiculous for me. We spoke about their program where they search auctions for a car with your specifications, and then I left. As I was leaving, I saw the other salesman showing the Audi to someone else! They had the hood open and everything.
On Saturday, I had my first day off since July 4th, and my first full weekend off since May. I visited my stepmother, who is looking better but still in a bad way, then on the spur of the moment (since it was raining) decided to drive to Ft. Wayne to shop Audi A8's. On the way there, I made a stop for lunch and did a web search on my phone for Audis in Ft. Wayne. After a lot of scrolling, I found an A8. It was blue and had just under 100k miles.
I found the dealership and took the car for a test drive. It was unbelievable. The difference in dealerships that is. I called ahead to get directions, and when I arrived there, a salesman came out and asked if I was the one who called. The Audi was parked in an obvious spot and was already unlocked. After all the official stuff, we got in the car and took it for a test drive. It was that easy. I arrived, and within 10 minutes I was driving the car. There are a few issues with it that will need addressed. New A8's start at around $90k and go straight up from there. This one has had a couple of owners, and has depreciated to a much more affordable level. With all of that, though, I was incredibly impressed with the car. It is comfortable, handles well, and the engine is strong. After some negotiation, I agreed to purchase the car.
The deal was supposed to be wrapped up on Monday, but with the complications of me being in Warsaw working, and them being in Ft. Wayne it was not to be. My mom helped me quite a bit, coordinating for the car to be checked by a third party. I had a dentist appointment that day, too, which screwed things up. Everything got wrapped up, though, from the negotiation to the loan, by a little after 5pm. All that was left was to pick up the car the next day and give them the check. I called in to work to see if I could take Tuesday off. Due to their absolutely ridiculous HR time off rules, I was told that I would essentially be punished if I took time off with such short notice. Remarkably, that includes sick time, so I actually need to schedule colds at least a full day (24 hours) in advance. It would have been nice to drive up to Ft. Wayne in the morning and get the deal wrapped up around lunch time, but that was not to be. I went to bed.
The next morning, I had a text from the salesman at German Concepts. The buyers who put down the deposit had fallen through, and their car was available again! I politely declined.
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
The Queen, The Prince, and the Teddy Bear.
As many of you know, I am recently divorced, and Elena and her son have moved back to Russia. It is for the better, and I have never been happier in my life than right now. When they left, I gave them some money to reestablish themselves while she got her business back on its feet, and mailed them all of the most expensive things that they had not been able to pack when they left.
Elena had a bank account, and she took her card with her. Before and after she left, I told her about the rules of the card, and that since she was going to be overseas, it might be a little more complicated. After they got there, they had some problems with the card, which I did my best to try to fix. She can only use it in the way you could a credit card. That is, she can't withdraw cash from an ATM. They also set a time limit on the card, because when she left, I thought she would be returning. Praise the Lord that is not happening! Anyways, the time limit for international use was some time in June, which I told her. I also recommended that she use that money to buy groceries and other things so that she would clear the account before the June deadline.
Of course, she ignored all of this information and advice. My attitude was that despite how badly she had treated me, I would do the honorable thing, which is do what I would want done if our situations were reversed. That's why I had helped her and given her advice, which she ignored. She ignored my advice about locking her bicycle when she left it at her various jobs, then was shocked when someone stole the key while it was sitting there, unlocked, with the key in the lock. That's the one I remember best.
Anyways, a few days ago I got an e-mail from Elena. Actually, it was from her son Pavel, saying that the card didn't work anymore. I had anticipated that I might be getting a message such as this, and considered my various options on how to reply. I could be angry. They had ignored everything I had told them. I could try to help them. That would be pointless. It's her account. I can't do anything with someone else's account without their verbal or written permission. I could do nothing. That would be no fun. The option I chose was to reply in the form of a fable, which I will copy below.
The Queen, the Prince, and the Teddy Bear
Once upon a time, there was a teddy bear. He was lonely, and decided to look for someone to spend his days and nights with. He searched the whole world, and one day found a beautiful teddy bear in a far away land. He went and visited her. He fell in love and invited her to come be with him. She thought, he is a teddy bear, but he has very large genitals, so I will go with him.
So, with much drama and very large expenses for the teddy bear, she and her son came to the land of the teddy bear. They were married soon after, and life was good for the teddy bear.
Then one day, the son came to the teddy bear. He said, “My mother is crying, go be with her.”
The teddy bear went to her, and she was crying. She asked him, “Am I to cook here? Am I a slave?”
The teddy bear was confused. He thought that in a marriage, that responsibility was shared, and thought that if he was working each day, that it was not too much to ask that the one who spent the day at home could do the cooking.
Then the mask came off. The teddy bear saw that he had not married a teddy bear, he had married a queen! The queen told the teddy bear that she would cook, but that such things were beneath her royal stature.
Then she told her son, “Don’t listen to this stupid teddy bear. He knows nothing. We will take everything of his for ourselves and make him our slave!”
The teddy bear was unaware of their plotting, but understood that things had changed. He tried to help the queen and the prince, and give them advice on how queens and princes prospered in the land of teddy bears. They would not listen to the teddy bear, though. They would laugh and laugh whenever the teddy bear would speak to them. Of course, they would wait until the teddy bear was away to do so.
But such ill intent can not be hidden. The queen told the teddy bear. “You are stupid even in your language. I can speak your language as a second one better than you do as your first.” The queen and the prince laughed and laughed at the simple teddy bear and his stupidity.
The prince asked the queen, “Why doesn’t our slave take me from school in his truck? Why must I go home with the teddy bears?”
The prince also asked, “Why should I sleep in a room for teddy bears, when there is a room for a king occupied by a teddy bear?”
The prince asked, “Why do we live in such a terrible cave?” He proclaimed, “I am a prince, and will not be satisfied with what this simple teddy bear can offer. I demand the best, most expensive things. Why am I not in the most expensive, exclusive private school. One befitting a wonderful prince like myself?”
The teddy bear could not afford such luxuries, even working 12 hour days collecting honey. The teddy bear explained this, and the queen and prince laughed and laughed at the teddy bear. He was so simple.
The queen would not listen to the teddy bear with even the most common sense of topics. He wanted to help her, but she would do the opposite of whatever the teddy bear would say, because surely he is stupid. He was only a teddy bear. When her results would fail, she would get enraged. Didn’t people understand that she was a queen? Didn’t they understand that her son was a prince? Each failure, each lack of acknowledgment only made her angrier.
Unfortunately, the teddy bear was very optimistic. He thought that the queen and the prince would understand his love and would accept him as he was. He was blind to the truth.
Finally, the queen declared, “The prince and I shall return to our kingdom before our superior schools begin. Give us everything we need for our journey, teddy bear.”
The teddy bear did as he was told, and gave the queen as much of his honey as he could give. He was bearing a very large weight carrying the queen and the prince. The teddy bear told the queen, we must go to the den of the warlocks. They will unlock the magic card that holds all of the honey that I have given you. You must listen to their rules, though. Their spells will not work any other way.
But the queen did not listen to the teddy bear. She did not listen to the warlocks. She laughed and laughed at the stupid teddy bear and the warlocks. She would not answer to them. They would answer to the queen!
So, the queen and the prince returned to their kingdom. Every day, they laughed and laughed, thinking of the stupid teddy bear. The teddy bear was still concerned about them, though. He warned them that the warlocks spells did not always work from such a long distance, and that they should stay within the rules that the warlocks gave them. The teddy bear even gave them advice based on his bad experiences with the warlocks, and how to get honey when their spells didn’t work.
The queen and the prince did not care about what the teddy bear said. What would a teddy bear know about warlocks? It was her honey, and she would do with it as she pleased.
Then, one day, the queen sent the prince out with the warlocks magic card to get some honey. Unfortunately, the warlocks spell did not work, and they could not get any honey! The prince sent a message to the teddy bear. “Did you steal our honey? Why won’t the card of the warlocks do what they said?”
The teddy bear went to the cave of the warlocks. They could not understand why their spell would not work to produce honey, but said that it could be used to get things commonly traded for honey. The teddy bear sent a message back to the queen and prince. He explained that he had no control over the queen’s honey, and told her what the warlocks had said to him. He also told her how he had gotten around the spell of the warlocks, and warned her that the magic card would not work forever. He sent this message many times. He thought, “What if our positions were switched? How would I want to be treated?”
The queen and the prince read the teddy bear’s words, and they laughed and laughed. Each time the teddy bear reminded them of the words of the warlocks, they would laugh and laugh. What does a teddy bear know of warlocks? They will bow to the queen who has the honey.
The teddy bear was now alone. At first it was very difficult for him, because he thought he was in love with the queen. As time passed, though, the teddy bear changed. He found happiness that he hadn’t seen before. He even noticed that he smiled a lot more than when the queen and prince were with him. He listened to others who had also married queens. They described experiences exactly like his, and called it abuse. He was shocked, but he had to agree.
One day, the teddy bear looked at the calender. He noticed that it was the month that the warlocks had set to lock the magic card of the queen. The teddy bear wondered, had the queen and prince finally listened to the teddy bear? Had they traded all of their honey for other things? He thought, wouldn’t it be funny if they had completely ignored him?
Then, one Sunday as the teddy bear was toiling collecting honey, he received a message from the queen! He was surprised to see such a message. The queen did not communicate with such a stupid teddy bear anymore.
He opened the message. It was the prince. “Help!” He said. “The magic card of the warlocks no longer works!”
The teddy bear read the words, and he laughed and laughed.
The end.
Elena had a bank account, and she took her card with her. Before and after she left, I told her about the rules of the card, and that since she was going to be overseas, it might be a little more complicated. After they got there, they had some problems with the card, which I did my best to try to fix. She can only use it in the way you could a credit card. That is, she can't withdraw cash from an ATM. They also set a time limit on the card, because when she left, I thought she would be returning. Praise the Lord that is not happening! Anyways, the time limit for international use was some time in June, which I told her. I also recommended that she use that money to buy groceries and other things so that she would clear the account before the June deadline.
Of course, she ignored all of this information and advice. My attitude was that despite how badly she had treated me, I would do the honorable thing, which is do what I would want done if our situations were reversed. That's why I had helped her and given her advice, which she ignored. She ignored my advice about locking her bicycle when she left it at her various jobs, then was shocked when someone stole the key while it was sitting there, unlocked, with the key in the lock. That's the one I remember best.
Anyways, a few days ago I got an e-mail from Elena. Actually, it was from her son Pavel, saying that the card didn't work anymore. I had anticipated that I might be getting a message such as this, and considered my various options on how to reply. I could be angry. They had ignored everything I had told them. I could try to help them. That would be pointless. It's her account. I can't do anything with someone else's account without their verbal or written permission. I could do nothing. That would be no fun. The option I chose was to reply in the form of a fable, which I will copy below.
The Queen, the Prince, and the Teddy Bear
Once upon a time, there was a teddy bear. He was lonely, and decided to look for someone to spend his days and nights with. He searched the whole world, and one day found a beautiful teddy bear in a far away land. He went and visited her. He fell in love and invited her to come be with him. She thought, he is a teddy bear, but he has very large genitals, so I will go with him.
So, with much drama and very large expenses for the teddy bear, she and her son came to the land of the teddy bear. They were married soon after, and life was good for the teddy bear.
Then one day, the son came to the teddy bear. He said, “My mother is crying, go be with her.”
The teddy bear went to her, and she was crying. She asked him, “Am I to cook here? Am I a slave?”
The teddy bear was confused. He thought that in a marriage, that responsibility was shared, and thought that if he was working each day, that it was not too much to ask that the one who spent the day at home could do the cooking.
Then the mask came off. The teddy bear saw that he had not married a teddy bear, he had married a queen! The queen told the teddy bear that she would cook, but that such things were beneath her royal stature.
Then she told her son, “Don’t listen to this stupid teddy bear. He knows nothing. We will take everything of his for ourselves and make him our slave!”
The teddy bear was unaware of their plotting, but understood that things had changed. He tried to help the queen and the prince, and give them advice on how queens and princes prospered in the land of teddy bears. They would not listen to the teddy bear, though. They would laugh and laugh whenever the teddy bear would speak to them. Of course, they would wait until the teddy bear was away to do so.
But such ill intent can not be hidden. The queen told the teddy bear. “You are stupid even in your language. I can speak your language as a second one better than you do as your first.” The queen and the prince laughed and laughed at the simple teddy bear and his stupidity.
The prince asked the queen, “Why doesn’t our slave take me from school in his truck? Why must I go home with the teddy bears?”
The prince also asked, “Why should I sleep in a room for teddy bears, when there is a room for a king occupied by a teddy bear?”
The prince asked, “Why do we live in such a terrible cave?” He proclaimed, “I am a prince, and will not be satisfied with what this simple teddy bear can offer. I demand the best, most expensive things. Why am I not in the most expensive, exclusive private school. One befitting a wonderful prince like myself?”
The teddy bear could not afford such luxuries, even working 12 hour days collecting honey. The teddy bear explained this, and the queen and prince laughed and laughed at the teddy bear. He was so simple.
The queen would not listen to the teddy bear with even the most common sense of topics. He wanted to help her, but she would do the opposite of whatever the teddy bear would say, because surely he is stupid. He was only a teddy bear. When her results would fail, she would get enraged. Didn’t people understand that she was a queen? Didn’t they understand that her son was a prince? Each failure, each lack of acknowledgment only made her angrier.
Unfortunately, the teddy bear was very optimistic. He thought that the queen and the prince would understand his love and would accept him as he was. He was blind to the truth.
Finally, the queen declared, “The prince and I shall return to our kingdom before our superior schools begin. Give us everything we need for our journey, teddy bear.”
The teddy bear did as he was told, and gave the queen as much of his honey as he could give. He was bearing a very large weight carrying the queen and the prince. The teddy bear told the queen, we must go to the den of the warlocks. They will unlock the magic card that holds all of the honey that I have given you. You must listen to their rules, though. Their spells will not work any other way.
But the queen did not listen to the teddy bear. She did not listen to the warlocks. She laughed and laughed at the stupid teddy bear and the warlocks. She would not answer to them. They would answer to the queen!
So, the queen and the prince returned to their kingdom. Every day, they laughed and laughed, thinking of the stupid teddy bear. The teddy bear was still concerned about them, though. He warned them that the warlocks spells did not always work from such a long distance, and that they should stay within the rules that the warlocks gave them. The teddy bear even gave them advice based on his bad experiences with the warlocks, and how to get honey when their spells didn’t work.
The queen and the prince did not care about what the teddy bear said. What would a teddy bear know about warlocks? It was her honey, and she would do with it as she pleased.
Then, one day, the queen sent the prince out with the warlocks magic card to get some honey. Unfortunately, the warlocks spell did not work, and they could not get any honey! The prince sent a message to the teddy bear. “Did you steal our honey? Why won’t the card of the warlocks do what they said?”
The teddy bear went to the cave of the warlocks. They could not understand why their spell would not work to produce honey, but said that it could be used to get things commonly traded for honey. The teddy bear sent a message back to the queen and prince. He explained that he had no control over the queen’s honey, and told her what the warlocks had said to him. He also told her how he had gotten around the spell of the warlocks, and warned her that the magic card would not work forever. He sent this message many times. He thought, “What if our positions were switched? How would I want to be treated?”
The queen and the prince read the teddy bear’s words, and they laughed and laughed. Each time the teddy bear reminded them of the words of the warlocks, they would laugh and laugh. What does a teddy bear know of warlocks? They will bow to the queen who has the honey.
The teddy bear was now alone. At first it was very difficult for him, because he thought he was in love with the queen. As time passed, though, the teddy bear changed. He found happiness that he hadn’t seen before. He even noticed that he smiled a lot more than when the queen and prince were with him. He listened to others who had also married queens. They described experiences exactly like his, and called it abuse. He was shocked, but he had to agree.
One day, the teddy bear looked at the calender. He noticed that it was the month that the warlocks had set to lock the magic card of the queen. The teddy bear wondered, had the queen and prince finally listened to the teddy bear? Had they traded all of their honey for other things? He thought, wouldn’t it be funny if they had completely ignored him?
Then, one Sunday as the teddy bear was toiling collecting honey, he received a message from the queen! He was surprised to see such a message. The queen did not communicate with such a stupid teddy bear anymore.
He opened the message. It was the prince. “Help!” He said. “The magic card of the warlocks no longer works!”
The teddy bear read the words, and he laughed and laughed.
The end.
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